Shadow of the Day

Again, we wake up wishing we hadn’t. Again, people die and others live. Again, we comfort ourselves with patience. But people die and we live to see them die. And patience is just another mean of killing the notion of time in favor of death and the killers.

Others say we fight them by standing still and by keeping that walk toward freedom and stability. I wonder how far freedom and stability are.

And what a long walk that is!

We hope and we dream. But mornings like today’s make us lose hope and see things as they are. We can’t close our eyes and imagine birds and trees under a shining sun with clear blue waves hitting the beautiful legs of a gorgeous lady having a tan. All we see are people rushing to wherever they’re rushing, fighting over the way others drive, not even smiling to their Gods and talking nothing except who died.

And what another shadow morning that was!

Haven’t we realized that the strategy is just not working? No we haven’t. Some are still following their leaders on the left and others doing the same on the right. I wonder when I will meet some others in between. Maybe some of you, my OtherEnders, would be interested in joining me on that track which can take us somewhere, who knows where, but surely somewhere. Those others, sticking left and right, will only stick to the border of an extremely steep slope which could only lead down there.

And that’s not where I want to be!

People dream of that higher step which cannot be reached easily. Europeans and others dream of that one-month vacation they will be having next summer. We, Lebanese and some others on this planet, dream of that day where we wake up in the morning and go to sleep in the evening knowing that we had a peaceful normal day.

And that’s what has become of our life ambitions!

I wish to be one of those who raise an issue followed by a solution. I have raised an issue today but how would a solution help if there’s no one to listen? I’m just a young man struggling in his own country instead of struggling in this world on a much larger scale. I’m just some guy marching on a path with no one except me. All others are walking along the borders, either left or right, and waiting for their fall. If it doesn’t come today, it will come another day because we will be seeing yet another shadow.

“And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in gray
--Linkin Park

Red Wine

You died on a sunny morning. Good thing it wasn’t in the evening. The last thing you saw was light. Much better than being in the dark. I assume it’s very bright in Heaven. You’ll have to tell me about that. Otherwise we’ll have to wait until my time comes and I see for myself.

You had a nice trip up to Heaven. It shows from the smile you had on your face. You were like an Angel. And an Angel you have always been.

I know you love me. And I know that you know that I love you. No doubt. But I also know that I should have visited you more often. What I don’t know is what you thought to yourself when weeks passed without me visiting you. And the idea annoys me.

I just hope you can forgive me, or maybe you already have.

I’m sure you remember when your sister died. I was having my reading period at your house. It was morning as well. You cried like a baby. Back then, almost a 70 year old baby. I’m sure you cried the same when you died. Of course from inside. You loved life and every accessory that comes with it. You have always spread love around you but in return accepted both love and hatred.

Today, I’m remembering you through my words, but everyday I remember you through my thoughts and memories.

You have visited me in my dreams many times these last few weeks. And I thank you for that. You sure are as pretty as always: elegantly dressed, great perfume, amazing smile. You are the lady that you have always been.

Sometimes people leave us. We cry. And then we say it’s OK. It passes. But what if we try to imagine the world “today” with those people around? How would our lives be with you around? Much better. Crystal.

Grandma,

Believe me. The Heaven that you now live in might be much nicer than the place I’m now at. There are things you wouldn’t have wanted to see. Someday we will meet again, on the OtherEnd, and I might tell you all about it. But you know what? I’d rather not.

We’ll keep Heaven as clean as it is, and all we’ll do is laugh and enjoy dancing over a good bottle of red wine.





(P.S. Remember those Christmas eves and the red wine? I’m sure you’re smiling.)

For All of Mine

How can you describe your appreciation to a person who has given you everything? By opening your heart and showing that person what’s inside.

Unfortunately this can’t be physically done. I just wish it could.

How can I wish my Mother a Happy Birthday? By telling her that she’s always been my life engine. My drive. My motivation. My Goal.

Simply, she’s been the reason for my existence. What better than existing? Even though we go through as many bad times as good ones, existence is the most valuable asset we have. And my Mother has giving me that opportunity.

Mom,

I can’t thank you enough for that. I love you for that. I adore you for that. I worship you for that.

My Mother laughs my laughs, sheds my tears, returns my love and fears my fears. She lives my joys, cares my cares and all my hopes and dreams she shares.

Real mothers know that a child’s growth is not measured by height or years or grades... It’s marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mother. And mine has excelled in each one of them. Always at my side, my Sister’s, her Grandsons' and all her loved ones.

Just about the time she thought her work was done, she became a Grandmother. Yet she took the job and, again, she excelled.

Kate Samperi once said:

A mother loves her children even when they least deserve to be loved.

I wonder if I deserve to be loved. If I don’t, and knowing how much you love me, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for not being able to make you travel the world. I’m sorry for not being able to take you out for dinner every single night. I’m sorry for not being able to buy you the biggest of the houses and make you the queen that you are. I’m sorry for not kissing you everyday both on sunrise and on sunset. I’m sorry for not giving you that hug which you deserve every second.

Otherwise, I’m all yours. Just ask and I’ll do the best I can. And if the best is not enough? Then I’m sorry.

You have given me so many things in this life. The things I did not have, you gave them to me.

Unfortunately we have both lost one. But it was worth living the experience. It was worth taking the ride. It was worth every single minute. It was better than not having it at all. He made us laugh and made us live. And would always want us to do that.

Believe me. He is watching. He is wishing. He is wishing you a Happy Birthday. I can feel it. And it’s not just talking nonsense. You know how little I believe in such things.

One day he will show us around Heaven. Don’t forget that!

But it’s your birthday, and we should party. We should celebrate the fact that you are getting younger every year!

This year we’re celebrating at home. I hope next year we would be both having a suntan on the white sand of Hawaii both holding cocktails with those small umbrellas on them. Just in case it's not going to be next year, I promise you someday we will. That would be seeing Heaven even before we actually see it.

Mom,

I guess I love you more than you love me because you have only loved me for a part of your life and I have loved you … for all of mine.

Nahida Khoury, Mom,

Happy Birthday to you!