Red Wine

You died on a sunny morning. Good thing it wasn’t in the evening. The last thing you saw was light. Much better than being in the dark. I assume it’s very bright in Heaven. You’ll have to tell me about that. Otherwise we’ll have to wait until my time comes and I see for myself.

You had a nice trip up to Heaven. It shows from the smile you had on your face. You were like an Angel. And an Angel you have always been.

I know you love me. And I know that you know that I love you. No doubt. But I also know that I should have visited you more often. What I don’t know is what you thought to yourself when weeks passed without me visiting you. And the idea annoys me.

I just hope you can forgive me, or maybe you already have.

I’m sure you remember when your sister died. I was having my reading period at your house. It was morning as well. You cried like a baby. Back then, almost a 70 year old baby. I’m sure you cried the same when you died. Of course from inside. You loved life and every accessory that comes with it. You have always spread love around you but in return accepted both love and hatred.

Today, I’m remembering you through my words, but everyday I remember you through my thoughts and memories.

You have visited me in my dreams many times these last few weeks. And I thank you for that. You sure are as pretty as always: elegantly dressed, great perfume, amazing smile. You are the lady that you have always been.

Sometimes people leave us. We cry. And then we say it’s OK. It passes. But what if we try to imagine the world “today” with those people around? How would our lives be with you around? Much better. Crystal.

Grandma,

Believe me. The Heaven that you now live in might be much nicer than the place I’m now at. There are things you wouldn’t have wanted to see. Someday we will meet again, on the OtherEnd, and I might tell you all about it. But you know what? I’d rather not.

We’ll keep Heaven as clean as it is, and all we’ll do is laugh and enjoy dancing over a good bottle of red wine.





(P.S. Remember those Christmas eves and the red wine? I’m sure you’re smiling.)

For All of Mine

How can you describe your appreciation to a person who has given you everything? By opening your heart and showing that person what’s inside.

Unfortunately this can’t be physically done. I just wish it could.

How can I wish my Mother a Happy Birthday? By telling her that she’s always been my life engine. My drive. My motivation. My Goal.

Simply, she’s been the reason for my existence. What better than existing? Even though we go through as many bad times as good ones, existence is the most valuable asset we have. And my Mother has giving me that opportunity.

Mom,

I can’t thank you enough for that. I love you for that. I adore you for that. I worship you for that.

My Mother laughs my laughs, sheds my tears, returns my love and fears my fears. She lives my joys, cares my cares and all my hopes and dreams she shares.

Real mothers know that a child’s growth is not measured by height or years or grades... It’s marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mother. And mine has excelled in each one of them. Always at my side, my Sister’s, her Grandsons' and all her loved ones.

Just about the time she thought her work was done, she became a Grandmother. Yet she took the job and, again, she excelled.

Kate Samperi once said:

A mother loves her children even when they least deserve to be loved.

I wonder if I deserve to be loved. If I don’t, and knowing how much you love me, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for not being able to make you travel the world. I’m sorry for not being able to take you out for dinner every single night. I’m sorry for not being able to buy you the biggest of the houses and make you the queen that you are. I’m sorry for not kissing you everyday both on sunrise and on sunset. I’m sorry for not giving you that hug which you deserve every second.

Otherwise, I’m all yours. Just ask and I’ll do the best I can. And if the best is not enough? Then I’m sorry.

You have given me so many things in this life. The things I did not have, you gave them to me.

Unfortunately we have both lost one. But it was worth living the experience. It was worth taking the ride. It was worth every single minute. It was better than not having it at all. He made us laugh and made us live. And would always want us to do that.

Believe me. He is watching. He is wishing. He is wishing you a Happy Birthday. I can feel it. And it’s not just talking nonsense. You know how little I believe in such things.

One day he will show us around Heaven. Don’t forget that!

But it’s your birthday, and we should party. We should celebrate the fact that you are getting younger every year!

This year we’re celebrating at home. I hope next year we would be both having a suntan on the white sand of Hawaii both holding cocktails with those small umbrellas on them. Just in case it's not going to be next year, I promise you someday we will. That would be seeing Heaven even before we actually see it.

Mom,

I guess I love you more than you love me because you have only loved me for a part of your life and I have loved you … for all of mine.

Nahida Khoury, Mom,

Happy Birthday to you!

Past & Future – What Else?

We have all gone through tough times. But we have also had our many laughs and good times. I have seen my nephews being born and raised to be great men of the future. But I have also seen people leaving me. Walking at a distance while turning their backs at me. Some of them cared but others didn’t. I only wonder if they ever did.

You know what? I don’t blame them. They probably didn’t know me enough. Or wait a minute. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I didn’t introduce myself well enough. Yes. I tend to be kind hearted sometimes and always claim responsibility for the mistakes of others.

Anyway. It just happens! We were all born to live through such situations. The more you experience them, the more tough you become. But being tough is tough. People around you have to live with it. If some of you out there are living with it, please excuse me. It was never my intention to be an unpleasant company.

Let us all get over our bad past. Let us just assume that the past is a foreign country. Where things are done differently. I have left that country and landed on a new one. A country called “Future”. A country where new things are going to happen. Whether good or bad, we just know that things are going to happen. Years later, we will decide whether we should stay or yet leave to another country.

I’m not trying to be pessimistic, but I truly think that we will be visiting every country of the world.

Don’t escape from your bad moments. They will follow you. They will stalk you. They will hit wherever you go. Any time of the day. It will come. So try to laugh about it. It will come smoother. Sometimes sweet. Expect it and it will sound nicer.

On the other end, try to act surprised when good things happen to you. Even when you’re expecting it. It will look nicer. A great surprise! What a beautiful sentence that is!

My dear OtherEnders,

Driving your future while trying to control your past is a tough ride. Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life.

What is it you would let go of today?

Try to do this exercise. It really helps.

I will end this with another contradictory argument and let you make the judging.

Why should we look to the past in order to prepare for the future?

Because there is nowhere else to look.